And Miles To Go Before I Sleep

When I was 19 the test on my spinal fluid indicated that I had Lou Gehrigs disease. The part that did not make sense was that the numbers were so my body should have already been shrunken to nearly nothing. That was not the case. A few weeks later on expert on the disease said that he had no idea why my test numbers were so high, but the diagnosis was wrong.

I do not consider that a miraculous healing, though I have experienced events in my life that I am not embarrassed at all to describe as miracles. But in the interim between being hospitalized for all of the tests and then being sent out to see the expert I had plenty of time to think about dying. Greatest concern was that I had gotten so little done in 19 years. It put me in a hurry.

It is the silliest of things , but last week I dreamed that I was sixty and would die at age 62. (I am only 57) In the dream my two greatest concerns were that I did not leave enough of the mares in the off site breeding program bred and that the New Land had not been fully converted to lush pasture.

But December comes in tomorrow and inevitably when the December sky becomes the color of lead and gun smoke my mind turn to Dec 29, 2008 when I got the call that Lido had been killed in a hunting accident. Working hard this week clearing brush from about two score yards from where he died--yet I repeatedly found thoughts rushing though the back of my mind such as "If I finish court early tomorrow I'll pick up Lido and he and I can finish clearing these trees out before it gets dark"

That thought runs quickly and very, very softly through my mind. The responding thought, that Lido has been dead now for several years races in, and yells as loud as it can.

December distractions, cold wind, clouds, a packed church, Rebecca doing a song for Lido, the rest of us doing A.P. Carter's "Miss Me When I'm Gone", Joey walking up with the same expression Lido had every morning--neither Joey nor Lido ever come looking for something from me--just that resigned, yet satisfied, look that says "what we gonna get done today."

Now I neither consume alcohol nor smoke. People in my family who do not smoke and drink tend to live to be incredibly old. I have a pretty good shot at living forty more years, but I can't count on that. Things got to get done now--New Land Cleared,Stitch trained, videos made, field trips from schools--more foals, more breeding sites set up--need to write another book-scary just thinking about all of it-Hell I better live at least thirty more years at this rate

And the one thing that I want for myself--not commercial--just a few disks for friends and family--I want to make a cd of Carter songs with Ashley, Aryianna, and Lucy doing the singing and me playing five or six different instruments on each song--get that done and I will die a happy old man with a big grin on my face--and my circle won't be broken