Oh Ye Of Little Taste

In its desperate moves to make every meal taste like overly sweetened oat meal,corporate America has created two generations of Americans who have no idea what a ham, a real ham, tastes like. To help place this crisis in abeyance, or at least to put my finger in the dike, I offer the following primer on real ham or, as it is scientifically known, authenicus hoggus hind leggus.

First one should examine packaging and shape. Does the ham that you are considering eating come in a very small square package? Only eat said "ham" if you come from a region of the nation that raises very small square hogs. Can you squeeze the ham with little effort? Only eat said ham if you are Superman.

Does the wrapper say "sugar cured"? Only eat said ham if your life is so hectic that you must combine your entree and desert into one dish. Does it have  pineapple on it? Only eat said ham if one must be polite to one's host who has just placed a garland of flowers  around your neck and handed you your grass skirt to wear for the night's festivities.

Real ham comes in a cloth bag. It is dark brown on the outside and coated with a thin layer of pepper. It should have a touch of mold on it if properly cured. The best way to know the quality of a ham without examining it is to punch it with one's fist as hard a possible. A real ham is hard and dry. That is why one soaks it for a day or two before cooking it.

If such a blow causes water to fly every where out of the "ham" feed said ham to a dog that you dislike. If the blow bruises and even bloodies one's hand a bit, the ham is fine for everyday eating. If the blow causes compound and complex fractures to one's hand, one has selected a ham properly aged and cured. Rush it quickly to the checkout counter before the ambulance arrives to take you to the ER. Do not accept the offer of  anyone posing as a Good Samaritan to carry your ham to the checkout line for you. Such people often hover around the meat section waiting for someone to properly fist test the ham and then use their two unbroken hands to spirit the ham out of the store.

When the preacher comes to visit you in the hospital and says a prayer for your hand invite him over for dinner after the Sunday service.

Let him know that you will be serving real ham. Everyone will benenfit. He will likely skip the long hymn and will cut his sermon time in half if he knows that thin sliced, real ham, is waiting for him at your house.

If you let him know that you have a bushel of raw oysters that you just picked up from the boats he will likely cancel services that Sunday in order to get there in time to shuck out a few dozen of them for himself.

And let all the people say"Amen."