When I Look In The Mirror I See You

It really is not that I am a know it all. Nor am I domineering or controlling. Over the last 14 months I have made significant lifestyle changes that have had a more positive impact than I ever dreamed possible. If only I had understood how to do these things even as little as ten years ago my life would be radically different. 

It comes down to this--intense research and understanding of trauma, ketogenic eating, intermittent fasting, intense exercise, more sleep, immersing myself in Stoicism, purchase of, and heavy use of a home sauna and starting with cold showers and moving on to daily ice baths.

I have always rigidly refrained from giving advice to anyone over 30 unless they asked for it very clearly. I have never minded advising kids and, in fact, felt that was my duty to do so. Whenever I give unsolicited advice to very young adults I try to do it so subtly that they don't realize that some old man is sticking his nose in their business.

And that was a system that worked wonderfully for me for the past 20 years.

But over the past year I have been very seriously examining my life. I have found thought patterns and behaviors that have served me very poorly. Worst of all, I either did not notice them or if I did I simply believed that it was not in my power to change them. As this examination made things about myself clear to me it also made the same things about those around me very, very clear. 

When I see people that I care about being held hostage  by their own minds, it is not so easy to keep my mouth shut. I would love for everyone that I care about to learn how to stop being concerned about the ways things are and learn to control what they think about how those things impact them. 

So now and then I will cast bread upon the waters and anyone who might benefit from me doing so is free to make a great big sandwich from that bread.

So here is what I learned this morning. I slept poorly last night, very poorly--as I knew that I would. I needed to write a grant proposal and I had intended to do so before I went to bed. I did not and knew that I would have to jump on it early.

And hence the revelation. When ever I procrastinate about something important it produces a deep sense of dread. The more I procrastinate, the worse comes the dread. I have always focused on the fact that, "Hey, it has to be done, Shut up and get it done. And besides think how relieved you will be when it is completed."

The math never added up. When dread is a negative seven and relief is only a plus two. I am still at minus five after the job is done.

This morning was different. When I completed the budget for the grant I did not feel relieved. I felt proud. I thought about what an accomplishment that was. I had taken things that I don't enjoy (math and money) and did a great job of making something happen. As I was exercising I continued to think about what an accomplishment this was. I do not remember ever handling such a thing by myself. 

I mean, I really was pleased with what I had done. If my dread was a negative seven, my satisfaction was a plus fourteen. That is a big win instead of the close loss that relief  would have given me. 

And I will not forget this feeling. When I procrastinate again I will remember how good getting this done made me feel. Eventually I will begin having dread that is likely down to only a minus 2. And every success will make it easier to reduce future procrastination.

And all of this difference simply from taking a pause from being relieved and really  thinking about what an accomplishment it was. 

Do you see why it is so hard to keep from having a little talk with all the procrastinators that I care about?  

I sure would dread doing that.